Thoughtless for the Day

While the majority of Americans got to step inside a voting booth to pick the person who will lead this country into a war with I ran, I had to leave work by six in order to make it down to the Ethical Society Building in order to attend the Philadelphia Chapter of the Green Party's Presidential Caucus, last Tuesday. I was there to caucus for "No Candidate" (Don't you Republicrats whish you had that option?), but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I arrived at six-thirty, which is when caucusing was supposed to begin, just in time to be informed that the meeting was running on "Green Party Time" and that I might be sitting around for a while. That was the first in a series of baaaaad omens. If we can't start a motherscratchin' meeting on time, what chance do we ever have of capturing the White House?

The caucus organizer had set up four table (one in each corner of the auditorium) on which information about each candidate was laid out along with snacks. If the mention of snacks just made you hungry, don't worry, you're about to lose your appetite. Let's meet the candidates I had to chose from (I'll be going in the order of the tables; starting at "five o'clock" and moving clockwise)

Jesse Johnson is a former Country Line-Dance (I'm not sure if that word is hyphenated or not, and I don't plan on looking it up as that might entail catching a glimpse of photos of Country Line-Dancing) Instructor and Comedian from West Virginia. Well, that pretty much qualifies him to answer the "Red Phone" at 3 am in my book. "Mr. President, the Chinese are threatening to attack unless someone can teach them to do the "Achy Breaky". They're also demanding that someone do a painfully unfunny monologue about how New York and LA are different and some poop jokes."

Cynthia McKinney, whose table was next, is my dream candidate. You know, the dream in which the Greens nominate a deranged-looking woman who thinks Bush may've been involved in 9/11, slaps cops, and has something in common with Mel Gibson.

Kat Swift is... well Kat Swift is too much of an embarrassment to write about here. Like McKinney, she really deserves her own post. And that's just what she's going to get – next time. I get the feeling it might take me a while to tell this story.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 06:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

300 (2006)

Authenticity: -89 Out Of 100
Entertainment: 90 Out of 100
Gayness Factor: Fuh-laaaaay-ming! (Not that there's anything wrong with that)

In our search for The Worst Movie about the Classical World Ever Made it's important to be like the Spartans and not leave our buddy's behind…and trust me, the Spartans rarely left their buddies' behind (Not that there's anything wrong with that), so let's have a frank discussion about 300.

From the perspective of historical accuracy, 300 is roughly equivalent to making a film about the American Revolution in which George Washington has an invisible robot friend. Yes, there was a Persian invasion of Greece led by Emperor Xerxes; yes, 300 Spartans (along with several other groups of Greeks, including 1,500 Thespians) held the pass at Thermopylae against overwhelming enemy numbers, and yes, a Greek named Dienekes, when told that the Persian arrows would blot out the sun said "Then we shall fight in the shade". But the similarities between the story on the screen and what went down in real life pretty much end there.

While searching for a decent site to link the Thermopylae reference above to, I stumbled upon this review in Archaeology Online that does an excellent job (much better than I could do) of pointing out the numerous problems with 300 (although it does fail to mention the true hero of the Persian War: Themistocles), so let me just say that 300 is probably the Gayest movie ever made (Not that there's anything wrong with that). C'mon; oily, barely dressed men struggling with each other? That's Gayer than the closeted Republican Senator currently tapping his foot in a toilet stall (OK, there is something wrong with that) Just about every Gay dude I know owns at least one copies of this move: some own two, just in case something happens to the first one.

From a straight-male perspective, apart from reminding me that I really need to get to the gym and drop about fifty pounds, I have to admit that this film is actually a lot of fun. Sure, the acting is wooden; the characters are, at best, two dimensional; and the plot is hardly a plot, but who doesn't enjoy * watching limbs getting hacked from bodies, geysers of blood, and death-by-forced-cliff-diving?

* "suggestive eye movement"???

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 11:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Onward, ever onward we march in our quest to find The Worst Movie about the Classical World Ever Made.

Now, before I launch into a postmodernist deconstruction of 300, I'd like to say a word about Quo Vadis (mainly because it was on TCM the other night). Despite being set in Imperial Rome during the reign of Nero, Quo Vadis is a Jesus movie - and a pretty bad Jesus movie at that (during the 50's a lot of Jesus movies where set in Rome so that the studio could up the titillation factor by showing slave girls dancing lasciviously). Quo Vadis is one of those films that whatever shadow groups rates movies always feels the need to assign at least 3 stars to. This is due to the prevailing misconception that filming making was more difficult prior to the release of Midnight Cowboy because filmmakers had to imply everything from sex to special effects that were impossible to film given the limited technologies of the era. If this theory were anymore bullshit it would be Ben Stein. It's much easier to imply something than to take the actual trouble to film it. Do you think that Deliverance would be as disturbing if the Bandit pulled up in his Trans Am and asked Joe Buck where Ned Beatty was, and Buck replied with "I dunno; getting' raped by hillbillies, I guess." Have you ever seen the "edited for television" version of Marathon Man? You'd think Enrico Salvatore "Ratso" Rizzo had just swung by an old Nazi's basement office to get his teeth cleaned.

Shit Luther, now I'm too angry to review 300, so let me just slip out, grab some lunch and maybe a little nap, and I'll post a little latter, OK?

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 01:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I know you're all chomping at your collective bits to read my thoughts on 300, and to find out what happened at the Philly Green Party caucus, but you'll just have to wait a little longer because the latest issue of Biblical Archaeological Review is out, and not only is it a cornucopia of weirdness (featuring an article on the Ark of the Covenant causing Erectile Dysfunction - which explains "Flaccid Phallus Philistines" on the cover - and an angry letter from a Creationist), but it also gives us a chance to compete in the monthly decathlon of lackluster humor that is THE BAR C(R)APTION CONTEST.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 06:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

No time to write tonight (stay tuned for a review of 300 and the heartbreaking story of my adventure at the Green Party caucus), but I just wanted to say that I've gotten a few emails (all pro) about my desire for a "Lucy" tattoo. I have to admit that the inspiration came from none other than Tyler Durden, AKA Brad Pitt, who has a tattoo of Otzi on his arm:

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 09:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)