I Just Wanna Give You The Creeps: Home

There’s no need to be confused! Go here and read the preface to the first experiment.

Experiment Three: Home
Since the first two experiments resulted in very few actual scares (I should admit that neither Vienna nor I frighten easily. So, if you’re the type of person who has nightmares after re-runs of Friends, your results for this experiments will differ greatly from ours)  I decided to fall back on something that I remembered as being scary as Hell – A 1996 episode of The X-Files called “Home“.

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For many people, Vienna & myself included, Friday night in the early to mid-90’s was synonymous  with the X-Files. No matter what was going on in your life, come 9 PM, you stopped whatever you were doing and watched the X-Files. If your home burned to the ground at 8:30 in the evening, killing your entire family, by 9 PM you were sitting on your neighbor’s sofa listening to the show’s  intro music. That’s just how we all rolled back in the 90’s, folks.

Looking back,  The X-Files was not a really great show. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t bad; it’s just that the few episodes I’ve stumbled upon in the past couple of years didn’t hold up very well. I guess the real reason that we were all glued to our TV on Friday night at 9 PM was because the X-Files, for all of its flaws, was at least better than all of the shit that was on TV in the early 90’s. And when I say “shit”, I’m being kind. I could devote thirty paragraphs to hurling insults at televised feces like Home Improvement or Everybody Loves Raymond. The fact is that TV in the early 90’s just plain sucked.

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Maybe that’s why “Home” had such an impact on me when I first watched it. This might be hard for people who’ve come of age in the era of American Horror Story to grasp, but “Home” was like nothing that had ever appeared on TV previously.

If you’ve never seen the episode (it’s available on Netflix), you’ll be impressed by home much black humor and mind-blowing what-the-fuck-isms the writers managed to cram into just the opening 15 minutes alone. Yes, that dead baby sure does get around!

Unfortunately, the producers of the X-Files didn’t dig all of the dead baby humor; they felt that the episode “had gone too far”, and Fox  banned it from ever being re-aired on their network. Yes, the very same network that would later give us The Littlest Groom.

For a piece of horror to be really effective it has to contain That Scene. A scene so scary that you never forget it. It’s the one scene your mind instantly goes to when you think of the piece. In The Haunting, That Scene is the one wherein Eleanor thinks she’s holding Theodora’s hand, but…well, you know. Here’s That Scene in “Home“. It does for “Wonderful, Wonderful” what A Clockwork Orange did for “Singing in the Rain” and what The Littlest Groom did for Humanity.

So, now it’s time to apply our highly scientific scoring method to the episode.

Vienna gave “Home” 5 Barnabi and 8 Ormsbys. I gave it 6 Barnabi (That “Wonderful, Wonderful” part is the stuff of nightmares) and a whopping 9 Ormsbys for a final total of:
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I’m going to leave you with one disturbing bit of trivia about “Home“.  Writer Glen Morgan ‘s inspiration for the episode came, partially,  from an incident which Charlie Chaplin documented in his autobiography.  A young Chaplin had been staying at a miner’s house. Following dinner, the miner said he had something to show Charlie. That something was a man with no arms or legs who had been sleeping in the kitchen cupboard.

A half man with no legs, an oversized, blond, flat-shaped head, a sickening white face, a sunken nose, a large mouth and powerful muscular shoulders and arms, crawled from underneath the dresser … “Hey, Gilbert, jump!” said the father and the wretched man lowered himself slowly, then shot up by his arms almost to the height of my head.

“How do you think he’d fit in with a circus? The human frog!”

I was so horrified I could hardly answer. However, I suggested the names of several circuses that he might write to.

Next time: The once mighty nation of Brittan collectively loses its shit.

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I Just Wanna Give You The Creeps: The Landlady

If you’re wondering just what the Hell is going on here, please check out the preface to first installment.

Experiment Two: The Landlady (1979)

Greetings, Gothic Gherkins. Our second  experiment comes to us in the form of an episode of Roald Dahl’s Tales of the Unexpected.

Roald Dahl? The guy who wrote Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? The guy who wrote Fantastic Mr. Fox? The guy who wrote James and the Giant Peach? That Roald Dahl? Children’s author, Roald Dahl? Surely you shit! How scary could Roald Dahl be?

Well, as it turns out, Roald Dahl’s dark side took up most of the real estate in his brain. Old Roald had a penchant for writing dark tales with really twisted surprise endings, in the vein of another famous writer – Saki (AKA H.H. Munro). [If you’ve never read Saki’s “The Open Window”, stop what you’re doing and READ IT NOW. I’ll still be here when you’re done.]

I hope you enjoyed that. And i hope you’ll enjoy this. When you’re done watching it,  see if you agree with our rating…

This was a tough on to rate because I really wanted to like it a lot more than I did. On the positive side, it sets up a nice creepy atmosphere early on and manages to keep it up it throughout the entire episode (and this in an age before Viagra). Unfortunately, you can spot the surprise as it slows down to seven miles an hour  on it’s trip through Dallas.  So I suggest that we applaud it for intention if not execution.

Vienna gave it 2 Barnabi and 5 Ormsbys. She agreed with me that, although it was short on fright, it was long on creepy, leering fun. I thought it was a little scarier than Vienna did (the last few minutes…the corpses!) and concurred on the level of fun, giving The Landlady a score  of 3 Barnabi and 5 Ormsbys.  This gave the episode a final total of…

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Next time: Pennsyltucky is for Lovers.

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I Just Wanna Give You The Creeps: Pigeons from Hell

Preface

Hello gherkins,

Here in Philadelphia, there are only two holidays: Halloween and getting’ ready for Halloween. While the average Philadelphian is thinking about Halloween all year long, serious preparation traditionally begins on August 31st: the day on which Mary Ann Nichols, the first of Jack the ripper’s canonical victims, was murdered.

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And that’s why I’ve chosen today to launch an experiment called “I Just Wanna Give You The Creeps”. This experiment has one clear, yet highly subjective, goal: To find the most frightening thing ever created to for the sole purpose of being aired on television. The only rule is that it had to have been created for the small screen with the intention of spooking the Bejezuz out of any viewers who might encountered it while channel-surfing. If it was created with theatrical release in mind, but ended up on TV instead, it doesn’t count. Nor do straight-to-video/DVD releases qualify. “Bud Dwyers” are also ruled out as they are generally unplanned events.

“Hey! That’s the guy who signs my welfare checks!” – Dave Blood every time he’d see bud Dwyer on TV.

Now that I had a rule (more like a guideline, really), the next thing I needed was a test subject. I took inspiration from Pierre Curie and enlisted the aid of my wife Vienna. As long as I didn’t accidentally rest my naked forearm on a radium salts-covered desk, we should both be fine and greatly enlightened at the conclusion of the experiment.

The final piece would be a system for evaluation the effectiveness of the material we’d be viewing. After much discussing and a precautionary check of the entire house for radium salts, we settled on a two-fold rating system: 1) Was the material frightening? And 2) Was it entertaining? Fright would be measured using a 1 to 10 Barnabas Collins scale while entertainment value would be determined using a similar scale of  1 to 10 Alan Ormsbys. Each of our scores would be shown separately and then averaged for a final result. For example, the 1955 Halloween episode of “I Love Lucy” in which Ricky Ricardo’s conga drum solo unleashes a voodoo curse which turns Lucy into a ravenous zombie who devours guest star Tennessee Ernie Ford is certainly entertaining, yet it could hardly be considered frightening by today’s standards. Vienna gave it 1 Barnabi and 8 Ormsbys while I gave it 3 Barnabi (that scene where Lucy bites into Fred Mertz’s arm still gets me) and 6 Ormsbys. Therefore its final score ended up being 2 Barnabi and 7 Ormsbys.

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Experiment One: Pigeons from Hell (1961)

Our fist experiment involved an episode of the Boris Karloff- hosted anthology series “Thriller”. The production was based on a short story by Robert E. Howard who wrote the Conan the Barbarian books and who also, ironically, pulled a Bud Dwyer sans live TV coverage. Here’s the entire episode, if you’d like to partake in the experiment along with us.

So how did Pigeons from Hell hold up under our rigorous standards?  Not very well, unfortunately. Vienna thought that episode was almost completely devoid of scares and that, although it might have made for exciting entertainment fifty-five years  ago – when it originally aired – time had not been kind to Mr. Howard’s pigeons.

Vienna gave Pigeons from Hell 2 Barnabi and 2 Ormsbys

I, in turn , agreed with with Vienna that the episode was about as frightening as a installment of “Tiny House Nation“, but I derived twice as much entertainment from it. Maybe I’m just a sucker for Southern Gothic, but what I really liked was the way the screenwriter managed to cram so much strangeness and taboo subject manner (by 1961 standards) into fifty minutes of television. Bravo, you twisted radium salts-sniffing bastard!

My score for the show was 2 Barnabi and 4 Ormsbys, giving Pigeons from Hell a final total of…

pigeons_from_hell

Next time, we’ll check in with an episode of Tales of the Unexpected…which you are now totally expecting. And please contact us with any suggestions for TV shows you’d like us to check out.

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Project Rein Down on Yo’ Ass: Did We Win?

Rick: Well, are you going to let us win?

Bambi: No, of course not, the posh kids win, they always do. Come on.

So, it would that despite our best efforts, Rein’s magnum opus, “I Don’t Get Anything But Shit From You” is tragically NOT 2016’s Song of the Summer.

Here Is Your Song Of The Summer 2016

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Apparently, according to the website above, the 2016’s Official Summer Song is Chance The Rapper’s “No Problem” (feat. 2 Chainz & Lil Wayne). I don’t know about you folks, but that song didn’t even crack my top 500 songs of 2016’s summer.  I get the feeling that anyone who voted for that song is REALLY excited about the possibility of getting a craft Popsicle store in their neighborhood.

Since there’s now way in Hell that I’m gonna post a the video for “No Problem” (Nothing against Chance, put I’m sure he’s getting enough publicity), here’s a cool new 3Teeth video…

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Project Rein Down on Yo’ Ass

As a ZZZ-list celebrity, I give so much and ask so little. That’s why, on those rare occasions that I do ask you folks to help out, you know it’s something serious.

I really, really, really need all of you go to this URL and enter “Rein” under Artist & “I Don’t Get Anything But Shit From You” under Song (Please see photo):
http://www.stereogum.com/…/v…/franchises/song-of-the-summer/

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Don’t do it for me. Don’t do it because “I Don’t Get Anything But Shit From You” is a fun little angry song. Do it because the people who’ve been posting in comments section of the poll are UNSPEAKABLE MONSTERS! Don’t believe Me? OK, here’s an actual quote:

“Nice, but I’m gonna have to go with ‘Because I’m Me’ by the Avalanches. That song breathes summer.”

If that songs breathes summer, then I want to be the one to hold a pillow over its face until it STOPS breathing summer. Or anything else, for that matter.

If you’re like me (and these days, who isn’t?) you live in a city whose airwaves are dominated with shitty Alt-Rock. This means that WE have to hear THEIR music, but THEY never have to encounter OURS. We have to consistently endure their upbeat Poptomist   anthems, but they rarely, or ever, get a taste or our angry songs. Well, “Project Rein Down on Yo’ Ass” hopes to address that issue one poll at a time.

And just what a shock it will be to these people to hear an angry female voice. I swear by God and a dozen other mass murderers, that Hipster are the most gender-normative subculture since the Birchers . Think about it. All of their men look like lumberjacks and are into bacon and all of their women are doe-eyed knitting enthusiasts who speak in squeaky child-like voices. If you saw that shit in a horror movie, you’d flee from the theater.

Many, many years ago, an acquaintance of my got burned on a coke deal so he got his shotgun and drove to the dealer’s corner only to find it occupied by four dudes sporting Uzis. Vastly out-gunned, my neighbor just set low in the driver’s seat, then drove for about half -a-block before fire his gun into the air. “I just wanted them to know I was thinking about them”, he would later explain.

So, there you have it. Like my acquaintance, we too are vastly out-gunned. but that doesn’t mean we can’t make a little noise from time-to-time just to let other folks know that we’re thinking aout them.

So let’s get going; there’s no other choice. God willing, we will prevail, in peace and freedom from fear, and in true health, through the purity and essence of our natural fluids.

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You’ll Bomb to Anything

This is what happens when I have too much time on my hands: I’ve remixed Caustic’s “Bomb the Clubs’ into the Dead Milkmen’s “You’ll Dance to Anything”

To hear twelve other artists who did a much better job than I did, go here.

Remix Our Chica Vampiro Song Or Be Cast Out As “Unclean”!

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Hello gherkins,

You’ve had over a month to get to up close and personal with our Chica Vampiro track, now it’s you turn to see if you can improve on perfection! This is your chance to remix a song by the greatest super-group since Simon and Garfunkle and Malmsteen and Dawn!

Get the remix kit HERE

Then remix the song.

Then let us hear your remix.

Then relax in a pile of filthy, filthy money, because this shit WILL make you famous!

 

Chica Vampiro: The Song

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Everybody dig a grave. Dig a grave.
Everybody dig a grave. Dig a grave.

Look over there! To your right. Hit the play button!

Hey gherkins, it’s been a tough week. If you’re in need of a little cheering up, then my friends The Gothsicles, & MC Lars, and I have a song that just might help. It’s a tribute to our favorite Spanish-Language teen vampire show: Chica Vampiro.

You can download it from Bandcamp for free But if you do decide to throw some money our way, be assured that, for the first month,  ALL proceeds will go to charity (and not “Charity”, who is a very talented and flexible pole-dancer).

Here are the lyrics:

Saturday, one o’clock
I turn my TV to Mondo Fox
‘Cuz there’s a show I’ve got to watch
There’s a show that just plain rocks!
A high school girl named Daisy O’Brian
Who’s also a vampire. I ain’t lyin’
The acting is better than Robert De Niro
It’s time to watch…

Reruns of “Buffy” can be OK
But I just can’t watch ’em everyday
Not when there’s so much at stake
So drop that hero and get with a zero
It’s time to watch…

Chica Vampiro, me gusta mucho
Telenovela, amor y justo
Colombian hit, ninos pequenos
Scaring their parents and haunting their sueños
Max de la Torre puede bailar
cuando Ulises O’Brian is far
Twilight it’s not, but still rocks the spot
Chica Vampiro, voy a mirar a lot

[Approximate translation by someone who doesn’t speak Spanish]
Chica Vampiro, your wombat is rabid
Now we must flee; flee to the volcano
For you are the one with the webbed toes
You are the one with a greatest TV show.

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2015: The Busiest Year of My Life. Part 3 – Actor-Man!

I’m in the process of making a brave and possibly futile attempt to document some of the more interesting things that happened to me in 2015 (the busiest & strangest year of my life) over a series of posts. I hope you enjoy them. If you don’t, bite me!

It’s March of 2015 and I’m stumbling around while muttering about the Kennedy assassination.  

The sentence above will make sense if you watch this…

That’s the How to Apply To College episode of Welcome to Anhedonia, which is a show I sometimes act in.

Lesson_4_musicians Lesson for musicians: Act, Paint, Bake, Raise Lemurs, whatever…
Acting is great way to get a new perspective on writing  lyrics. I do this by performing rambling monologues – which I’d be doing even if a camera wasn’t pointed at me.  Acting is also helpful if you think of your edited scenes as remixes (unless all of your best scenes end up on the cutting-room floor. Phil Collins claims this is what happened to his best work in the “It’s No Fun Being an Illegal Alien” video). And ad-libbing is pretty much the Theater (is evil) Major version of jamming only with tights instead of guitars.  The point is that you can learn something about music by studding  just about any other discipline (except, oddly, fencing).

Her’s the teaser for Season Two…

Next time: A Bohemian Rhapsody and  a tour.

2015: The Busiest Year of My Life. Part 2 – My Life with the Thrill Kale Kult

I’m going to make a brave and possibly futile attempt to document some of the more interesting things that happened to me in 2015 (the busiest & strangest year of my life) over a series of posts. I hope you enjoy them.

It’s approximately 2 AM on the morning of Sunday, February 1st, 2015, and I am wading through a a group of  roughly two dozen women who are making out with each other, shouting “Look out for those knives!” 

Clearly, some backstory is called for. ..

Back in October of 2015, my friend and fellow DJ Neska came through in a big way for the Dead Milkmen by setting up a show for us in Baltimore (Due to a miscommunication, we’d had some other shows canceled, so this was a godsend…technically a “Neskasend”). During our messaging back-and-forth, Neska informed me that Bryan & Christof from Velvet Acid Christ would be attending the show. I thought she was joking. I think it took her a couple of weeks to convince me that she wasn’t.

I’ll get to the knives (they’re really more like swords) and the massive all-girl lip-lock fest in a minute, but right now I need you to understand that I am really huge (and not just because I’ve gotten fatter) Velvet Acid Christ fan.

Continue reading 2015: The Busiest Year of My Life. Part 2 – My Life with the Thrill Kale Kult