Incredibly Biased Gubernatorial Election Special
Part One: The Best Laid Plans | | | |
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| Pennsylvania |
Pennsylvania. It stretches from the Atlantic Ocean (if you don't count New Jersey),in the east, all the way to Mt. St. Helen's, just west of Altoona. Pennsylvania. Polar bears roam its harsh northern realms while, in the extreme southern part of the State, armed guards patrol the Mason-Dixon Wall. Pennsylvania. My family has lived here for over 300 years - and we're still considered White Trash.
James Carvel once described this lush, tropical workers-paradise as "Philadelphia on one end, Pittsburgh on the other, and Alabama in-between." Which is tantamount to saying "Hi, I'm Jim Carvel and your mother is a whore." Tim Robbins, the man behind the film Bob Roberts (and the slightly less popular Walt Disney presents Bob Roberts On Ice) also missed the mark when he portrayed the denizens of the Keystone State as a bunch of hapless rednecks easily duped into electing a right-wing Senator (for those of you keeping score at home: According to DC and Hollywood, a man in a hunting cap and overalls standing in the middle of Vermont is a charming rustic - the same man standing in the middle of Pennsylvania is a homicidal Klansman. What a difference a little maple syrup can make, eh?)
No, the only shaper of popular opinion who really understood the mystique of Pennsylvania was George A. Romero. His classic love story, Night of the Living Dead, showed a bleak, black-and-white landscape populated by flesh-eating zombies. It was with high hopes of seeing one of these flesh-eating zombies (or, at least, a little flesh) that my wife, Vienna, and I tuned into the PA Gubernatorial Debate on our local PBS affiliate (You know, the station that shows The Prisoner during pledge drives.)
The debate was held at Penn State located in gullible or horrific (depending on rather you hold a Robbins or Romero world-view) central PA. The audience consisted, mainly, of nervous Political Science majors with bad skin who would occasionally rise to ask moderately pointless questions.
The best moment occurred when a young lady, with an amazingly vacant look in her eyes ("It's a flesh-eating zombie", Vienna screamed with anticipatory glee.), stood up and asked the following question (Yes, I'll be paraphrasing - but not much.):
"OK, like when I was like in High School, I was like the best in, ya' know, everything. But then I like came to Penn State, and now I'm like totally lost. Can you help me?"
For a brief second, the four candidates put aside their differences and looked at each other as if to say, "What the fuck does she want us to do? Help her cram for finals?" Oh, Comedy, thy name is debate. If the folks at my local PBS affiliate were smart, they'd offer a videotape of that precious encounter for a $200 pledge instead of a shitty tote bag. I laughed so hard that I actually got an idea. A few hours later, I had a plan.
It seemed like such a simple plan, too. Such a simple, scientific plan. I would email each of the four major candidates for Governor of Pennsylvania (Mike Morrill, Ken Krawchuk, Fred Rendell, and that other guy), give a short introduction, and ask them five brief questions:
1.What would you say is the hot (not most important, but the real attention getting) issue of this election?
2.What is the most important issue that, in your opinion, the press is ignoring?
3.How do you plan to appeal to politically apathetic Pennsylvanians ?
4.Why would anyone in their right mind want to be Governor of Pennsylvania ? I mean, sure Philly's nice, but look at the rest of the state...
5. Maryann or Ginger? [This last question was based, loosely, on the "What's your favorite movie?" question that was asked during the debate. FYI: Mike Morrill's favorite film is Lawrence of Arabia. Ken Krawchuk went for 2001 A Space Odyssey. Fred Rendell liked Glory, and that other guy's favorite flick was Torso.].
And, since all good scientific
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| A Scientist |
experiments need a control group, I'd send off the same five questions to RATYHTL's official mascot, Ben F. Schumin. I would then simply copy and paste these bits together to make an article.
You see, the real beauty of my idea lay in how little work it would require of me. The candidates and Ben Schumin would supply me almost all of the text. It would be instant social satire. Not only would it be a primo opportunity to fill some space, but it would also give me a chance to take a shot at the Inquirer and the Daily News for their poor coverage of the Third Party candidates (Phun Philly Phact: The day after the debates the Inky ran a front page picture of the four debaters in which the only two visible were...you guessed it, Fred Rendell and that other guy.). Ah, but the best laid plans of mice and former Milkmen...
You see, only Ken Krawchuk wrote back.
OK, technically Ben Schumin and Fred Rendell also wrote back, but only to slap the smirk off my face. Ben had the following to say:
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"Hello, I'm Ben F. Schumin
Come take a trip with me
to Wal-Mart through the
magic of the internet." |
I hate to disappoint, but... while I'm flattered that you thought to contact
me, I think I'm quite ill-prepared to answer any of your questions. I'm not
from Pennsylvania, and thus haven't the foggiest idea regarding the
elections you have coming up. In Virginia, the mid-term election is a
non-issue. Our congressman is running unopposed, as is our senator that's
up for election. However, I can answer the last question - Ginger.
Ben F. Schumin :-)
That's right, the man who writes 3,000 word essays about fire alarms wouldn't answer five lousy questions. I wasn't about to give up. I wrote back to Ben:
Well, Ben, you've gotta do what you think is right. I was just hoping that
you'd take a stab at it. I'm sure that your answers would've been better than
what some of the candidates might've said. Heck (pardon my French), not having
the"foggiest idea" has never stopped anybody from answering questions - or
running for Governor, for that matter.
Anyway, thanks for your time, and it was an honor hearing from you. If you change
your mind, just shoot me the answers.
Once again, thanks.
- Rodney
PS. I would've said "Ginger", too.
OK, so Schumin wasn't going to play along. I could live with that. Like I said, I also heard back from Fred Rendell. He sent me this heartwarming reply:
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| Fred Rendell |
Thank you for your interest in the Rendell for Governor campaign. Parrish Silva
One the one hand, I hate getting those automated responses. On the other hand, "Parrish Silva" has become my new way of saying "see ya' later":
Ben,
Thanks for the bong hits, booze, and broads.
Parrish Silva,
- Rodney Anonymous