Serving the terminally bored since 1997
31 Days of Halloween
Day Twenty-Two: Unwelcome (2023)
As long as urbanites keep relocating to rural communities, we’ll never run out of Horror movies.
“Unwelcome” is a cinematic BLT: Brutality, Lunacy, and Terror. Sandwiched between the brutality of the opening act and the terror of the closing scenes is a heaping helping of weirdness.
If you love practical effects and the idea of seeing Chief Miles O’Brien play a horrible human being, this is the movie for you.
It’s time for a little made-for-TV madness!
From the late Dan Curtis, the man who brought you “Dark Shadows”, “Trilogy of Terror”, and “Kolchak: The Night Stalker” comes “The Norliss Tapes” – a failed pilot for a TV series that I can’t help but think would’ve been amazing had it been given the greenlight.
Watch it for free on YouTube!
P.S. Cheer up, Jim Jordan. Sometimes even Big league ball players sometimes crap their pants attempting to slide into 3rd base.
I’m not a huge fan of Kaiju movies, although I did love 2006’s “The Host”. But that’s about it. So I had to dig pretty deep in order to find a Kaiju film I felt was worth recommending.
“Underwater” (Currently steaming on Hulu) is a Kaiju movie with a twist – a real “Well, I did not see that coming twist.” And that twist isn’t that this is a giant monster movie starring that woman from “Twilight” and that guy from “Black Swan”. Although, to be fair, I did not see that coming.
There are a few films that you MUST watch during the month of October. “Trick ‘r Treat” (2007) is a prime example of a must-watch-during-Spooky-Season movie.
Much like “Trick ‘r Treat”, which was kept out of the theaters so that it wouldn’t compete with the latest entry in the SAW franchise, the studio really dropped the ball on “Cobweb”. Lionsgate released the film in July – not a month usually associated with falling leaves and pumpkins.
Just as the keyword in Comedy is “Timing” and the keyword in real Estate is “Location”, the keyword in Horror is “Atmosphere” (or “Boobs” if you’re making an 1980s Slasher pic). I hope your writing this down because it will be on the Final Exam (which is also the title of a 1980s Slasher pic that featured very little atmosphere but a lot of boobs. Slasher House! I’m revoking your charter!).
Your assignment tonight, class is to watch “The body Snatcher” and make note of the film’s use of atmosphere.
“Vincent Price wasn’t very nice. In The House of Usher he paid the price”
– Mikey Wild
“The Last Man on Earth” is without a doubt the best screen adaption of Richard Matheson’s “I Am Legend”. Not that it’s facing stiff competition for that honor from the unintentionally hilarious Chuck Heston vehicle “Omega Man” (1971) or the meh 2007 “fresh Prince of Zombie City” version.
Vincent Price was always a superior actor, but in “The Last Man on Earth” he goes up and beyond the call of duty in a film so bleak that it makes “The Masque of the Red death” look like “Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine”.
Highly recommended.
Now that you’ve all had a sufficient amount of time to absorb “The Old Woman of Haunted House” we can move on to Mad Scientists and Nathan from “Ex Machina” is one of the maddest scientists to ever (dis)grace the screen. Actor Oscar Isaac based his portrayal of Nathan on n Bobby Fischer and Stanley Kubrick. So now you know.
The most disturbing Science Fiction films always feel like they’re set five minutes into the future and “Ex Machina” is highly disturbing. I don’t know if it’s as disturbing as “The Old Woman of Haunted House”. That’s for you to decide.
“No one blows the whistle on Pops Siriano!”
Not a day goes by when I don’t miss my friend Dave Brookman. Dave had an incredible knack for unearthing sonic curiosities. One of greatest discoveries was the collected works of Judson Fountain. Foremost of which is Mr. Fountain’s magnum opus “The Old Woman of Haunted House”.
Gentle reader, there’s no way I can possibly prepare you for the truly bizarre statement you will encounter around the 1:45 mark. Seriously; consider yourselves warned. Proceed with caution for this way madness lies.
Happy Friday the Thirteenth! It’s time for a Modern Classic. And that Modern Classic is “Talk to Me”: the film that answers the question “What if a bunch of Australian teenagers found a way to communicate with the dead?” The answer is, of course, “They’d get wasted and turn this power into a party game.”
Fun Fact: A24 Films sells a Talk to Me “smoking device” on their website for $110. Did the original “Exorcist” have a merch tie-in with a bong? No, but the new one really should.
If vampires and witches are now considered to be more sexy than frightening (Seriously, who is gonna flee in terror from Anna Taylor Joy?) and Frankenstein’s monster, the Mummy, and old school zombies are too slow to catch you, what is left to be afraid of?
Enter Werewolves!
Sh!t, Luther. It’s hard to make a terrible Werewolf movie. Even a bad Werewolf movie like “Werewolf in a Girl’s Dormitory” or “Werewolf of Washington” is actually a great Werewolf movie in disguise. And a great Werewolf movie, like “Ginger Snaps” or “Dog Soldiers” makes “Citizen Kane” look like …whatever that new “Exorcist” movie is called.
So go watch “Howl”. Because I have seen the best minds of my generation destroyed by Werewolves, starving hysterical naked.